Watanuki discovers
by Doomed But Over It
Summary: What if they were real and were reading the stuff we write about them? OH NO! Omake up! Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Watanuki discovers that Biznitch Doomed but Over It**

**Author's Notes- **What if they were real, and had found that their lives had spawned so much slashy fan fiction? Seriously, this was more or less me enjoying myself while writing on a Saturday. What is it with me? This is the 4th xxxHoLic fan fic this week!

_Watanuki looked at Doumeki with new eyes. "Have you always…felt like that?"_

_The taller boy nodded. "I was just waiting for you to catch up." _

_Watanuki felt his eyes tearing up, and suddenly Doumeki was there at his side, holding him gently._

"What the hell are you reading, Watanuki?" Yuuko asked, bemused, over his shoulder.

"Waugh! You need to stop doing that!" Watanuki flailed wildly. "I was surfing the net and I found this crap."

"you never should have let them damn cartoonists publish your memoirs." Yuuko, still mildly amused, said.

"Never!" echoed Maru.

"Never!" echoed Moro.

"That's it! I want them out of my fandom!" decided Watanuki. "I'm writing reviews, telling them how to write my fan fiction and if they don't do it, they'll get kicked out!" _Especially that bitch Doomed But Over It. _He added silently.

_At Doomed but Over it's Computer! _

"Ooo!" said Doomed, "a review!" she paused and danced around the room. "Yeah! Happy dance, happy dance! Slashy evil happy dance!" she sat down again at the computer. "Where was I? Oh, yeah! Review!" she momentarily got up to do the happy dance, but realized she had moved past that. "Erm… Review?" she asked no one in particular. "… I guess I had better read it then. Oh joy! I can't believe someone actually reviewed my stories!" She clicked on the hyperlink, still humming the happy dance song.

_Dear Doomed, _

_YOU JERK! What is your problem! HOW COULD YOU SAY THOSE _THINGS_ ABOUT ME AND DOUMEKI? Are you YUUKO? Yuuko! That makes sense! I WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME? It's not enough that you torture me at work, but you extend your evil wrath to me even over the web? When you ever stop? YOU'RE NOT GETTING OVER 2 GO OF LIQUOR FOR THIS! And don't think I'll forget either!_

Doomed stopped reading at this point. "Was that…Watanuki?" _and he thinks I'm Yuuko?_ She thought. She was lost in hazy rabid fan girl fantasies.

_At the Shrine _

Doumeki browsed live journal, and other less…reputable…sources, looking at the fandoms.

"Hn."

This just came to me. I don't know if I'll leave it be, or actually write something else. If no one cares enough to review, I'll probably ignore it.

Please R and R,

Love,

Doomed and Kiki Nalani Saraphina Isabel

P.S. hahahahahaha. This was probably more fun for me to write than for you to read.


	2. Chapter 2

**Counter Attack! **

**By the evil and horrid Yuuko...err...Doomed **

**Thanks to the amazing reviewers, I actually thought of a plot for it! Oh, the joy! Thank you all, and here it is...chapter 2–Counter Attack! (Now with plot! Woo-hoo!) **

Watanuki hid in the bushes, his eyes looking through the brown spots. He raised his walkie-talkie (thankfully NOT Chobits shaped) to his mouth.

"Doumeki. Come in, Doumeki." he whispered.

"Oi." Doumeki said.

"That's not what you're supposed to say!" fussed a nit-picky female voice. "The term is roger! ROGER! Do it RIGHT, Doumeki! It's no fun unless you play by the rules!"

"Yuuko-san! This is not a game! We are on a very important mission! We aren't playing War!" Watanuki said authoritatively.

"Yeah, like egging some fan writer's house is a "mission". Reeeal mature, Watanuki." Yuuko said. Watanuki could almost imagine her rolling her eyes through the crackling of the walkie-talkie.

"Are we going to actually do something, or can I go home?" Doumeki asked.

"Oh shut up!" Watanuki said, "You jerk! You're not even going to do anything. You're the lookout. You know, the spot we reserve for idiots and cowards!"

"Fool." Doumeki said.

Just when they were about to burst into a full fledged argument, a high pitched scream rent the air in two. "AHHHHHH! REVIEW! Happy dance, happy dance, slashy evil happy dance!"

"Evil witch! She has distracted us and reduced us to quarreling among ourselves! She is cleverer than I thought!" Watanuki exclaimed.

_Idiots,_ Doumeki and Yuuko thought, _I am surrounded by total idiots._

Yuuko, Watanuki, and Doumeki now hid in the shrubbery 3 feet away from the door. Doumeki eyed the pink flamingoes and lawn gnomes.

"Why are we even wasting our time here? Because I've read more of this shit than you, and she barely registers. Trust me." he said, not blushing at all.

Watanuki turned bright red. "Because she's a SHIPPER. We need to make an example out of her so the others get the message. Did you even see some of those icons? Listen, one of them was so stupid. 'CLAMP– it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it gets full of shippers!' The levels these people take them to! They're writing, and probably taking, crackabout YOU AND ME," He couldn't bring himself to say 'us', "With BANANA PHONES!" he added, to underline the severity of this epidemic.

Doumeki didn't quite get the banana phone bit, until Yuuko chimed in. "Banana phones are now code for 'Rated Hard R'?" She asked quizzically, "because really, Watanuki-kun, some of them are quite good, in a Yaoi way..."

"YUUKO!" Watanuki screamed, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

_INSIDE DOOMED'S HOUSE_

Doomed looked up from her computer monitor, annoyed at the obnoxious cackling

coming from the shrubs.

"Goddamn guineas! When I get my BB gun back from Hank, they are gonna be blown SKY HIGH and then to the bottom of the sea!" she paused, considered this threat, (one of her better ones) and rushed to write it down in one of her many homemade xxxHoLic notebooks, complete with sparkle hearts around Doumeki and Watanuki's names.

"That's a keeper!" she said happily. "Now what was I doing?" she said, to no one in paticular, glancing confuzzled, at the notebook in her hands. "Oh! Yeah! Review! Happy dance, happy dance, slashy evil happy dance!" (AN-- yes, I really do that)

Watanuki clenched his fists, remembering his origonal purpose with the obnoxious reminder of the horrible review song.

"See? She's gathering power and support so she can launch her next attack on my--err-- our lives! OUR HOUR OF VENGENCE IS NIEGH! ATTACK!

Rolling his eyes, Doumeki began pelting eggs at the front door. "I can't put into words how stupid I find this..." he began.

"So I'll help you!" Yuuko interjected, "I make GODS for Christssakes!"

"Less talk, more pelt." Watanuki panted.

AT THE BACK DOOR

"Thanks, Hank. Did it get rid of your deer problem?" Doomed asked.

"Not really." Hank said. "I was just using it as a stand in for my real one. It sure looks alot like the real thing. When I went 'n ran after 'em with it, it sure scared 'em off, but you just get so goddamn HOT here!"

"Tell me about it! I was walking to the barn and..." Doomed stopped, mid story. "Oh no! My fan girl sense tells me trouble's afoot! Got to dash, Hank! Fun talking to you!" she ran off to the front of the house.

"Mighty energenic, that one." Hank said, scratching his head with his football cap.

AT THE FRONT DOOR-- (Can you see where this is going?)

Doomed ran, red faced to the front door, swinging it open quickly, purple hair everywhere. "Now, what seems to be the trouble here?" she panted, gun in front of her, threateningly.

"EEP!" Yuuko said, pushing Watanuki in front of her. "Take Watanuki! He's useless anyway!"

(If you guessed cliffhanger, you'd be right!)

Please read and review! Tomarrow or so, I'll post the last chappy! Maybe...it depends on how much hatemail I get!

Tata!

Doomed


	3. Chapter 3

**The Shocking Ending! **

**by the wicked Doomed but Over It**

**Author's Notes-- I'm sure you don't really want me to talk right now, when you're about to read your precious ending...so I'll just give it to you! Enjoy...BTW-- Teen for my mouth...sorry about that, but what would you say? Seriously...O-O read! NOW! I COMMAND IT! (oh and I apologize in advance for my overuse of caps. sorry) **

Watanuki turned on Yuuko, furious. "Useless? Who are you calling USELESS? Who makes your food? Who cleans up? Who gets you your hangover medicine!"

"What the FUCK?" Doomed screamed. "WATANUKI-KUN? DOUMEKI-KUN? YUUKO-SAN? YOU'RE _REAL?_"

"Uh..yeah!" said Yuuko, in her best 'duh' voice. "What did you think?"

"No!" Doomed, striding over. "No. Fucking. Way." she walked over to Watanuki (who was closest), bent down, and grabbed his foot.

"OW! What's your problem, bitch?" he said, as he fell onto the floor. She ignored him and took off his sandal.

"See?" she said, "This proves it." she shoved Watanuki's foot into Yuuko's face. There, in black ink, was what looked like a tattoo. It was a small circle with a C in it, next to the word CLAMP. "You ALL are registered trademarks of CLAMP."

Yuuko bent down, removed her sandal and examined her foot carefully. "Huh." she said. "Well, that does explain somethings. My eyes keep on changing color and my butterflies are all black or purple. I think they used to be orange or red."

"Yeah...and I got a new kimono, and I wasn't quite sure where it came from. Looked okay, though." Doumeki mused.

"So that means..." Doomed said. They could almost hear the cogs moving in her head, rusty from so many years of little or no use, "that I can..." an evil glint came into her eye.

"Watanuki! Pat your head and rub your tummy!" she ordered suddenly. "Yuuko! Laugh in an insane manner! Doumeki! er...um...Start obsessing about Watanuki in a slightly creepy fashion and develop an annoyance for Himawari-chan!"

Confused, all three characters did as they were told. "OOO...We're going to have lots of FUN together..."

"...and that's what I did over my summer break," finished Doomed, raising her eyes from the crumpled sheet of paper.

"WHOA! Let me get this straight...You hijacked the entire cast of xxxHoLic and bent thier wills into a twisted little faux CLAMP universe, which is obviously yaoi and slashy?" the disbelieving readers asked.

"Well...not the whole cast. Those goddamn cameo appearances elude me yet. BUT THIER HOUR WILL COME! You have been warned, evil twin sisters! I forcast a premature death in your future! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Doomed continued muttering under her breath about twerpy twins trying to tear Doumeki and Watanuki apart.

"Wow. Hold up. What's the deal with the feet?" asked deranged-monkey. "Doesn't that belong to Toy Story or something?"

"Well...yeah...them and Barbie and almost all the major corporations you can think of...search for the markings on the foot! That's where they hide them, normally." Doomed now muttered about horrid corporations taking over the world and forcing Mom and Pop businesses out of business.

"Oh, God, not that again." said Giggle Monkey. "Listen. You can't go and take all this copywrited crud from all theys multi-million dollar companies with no disclaimer. You're asking to get sued."

"Fine! I own nothing. I live in a paper bag on the corner of 5th and 12th. Happy? I got nothing! Not even this computer! Disclaimer done!"

"Fine. Moving on...that makes no sense! The whole story is retarded."

"Shut up. I'm posting it! Nokturnal Augrey still likes me! Maybe I'll go stay with her! So there!"

------The rest of this story has been deleted due to the fact that it is pointless squabbling between Doomed, Giggle Monkey, deranged-monkey and occasional comments by Banana Lizard (Thank you, censoring done by School Administrators who don't bother to listen when the students suggest brilliant solutions to world problems because we are little children who are idiots and nothing we say could ever work) -------------------

"...and that's the solution to world poverty..." said Doomed.

"HEY! That might just work! We should post this on the internet so people may learn from our discussion!" said Banana Lizard.

"Good idea!" the writers agreed.

Thank you! I know this is borderline crack, but bear with me! Thank you and Good Night! Read and review on your way out. ! P.S. Got a little off topic here! Forgive me, darling readers!

Love,

Doomed

P.S. SAVE US! SHE'S A YAOI AND YURI WRITER! WE'RE BEING PAIRED! PLEASE...SAVE US! W.D.Y. xxxCast


	4. Omake

**A Letter to CLAMP**

**by Watanuki **

**dictated to Doomed but Over It**

_Dear CLAMP,_

_Thank you for your effort in illistrating my memoirs! It was very kind of you. However, I must object to a few fabrications. I am certainly not blaming you for it, maybe you just got the wrong idea from our interviews. I know I did. I thought you were writing my MEMOIRS not using me in a fanciful account of your own devising. Granted, my life could use a little spicing up, but I would just like to clarify a few points--_

_1. My right eye was lost in an epic battle with a broom, not a Spider Queen _

_2. Doumeki and myself didn't fight as much as you depicted, and I only made him bento for 2 months_

_3. I did NOT make it that obvious that I was crushing on Himawari. It was a SUBTLE relationship_

_4. Yuuko-san wasn't magical at all, just drunk. Really drunk. _

_5. Doumeki only saved my life 3 times. NOT three dozen. _

_6. By my 18th birthday, I had come out and Doumeki and myself were going steady. _

"Hey! That's not what I said!" Watanuki shrieked, peering over my shoulder. "Delete 6 immediately!"

"But it adds to the plot!" Doomed whined.

"I want it OUT! NOW!" Watanuki ordered.

"Meanie."

"Mary-sue."

"Jerk."

"Manipulator."

"Girl."

"Oh whatever! This is immature. 6. Out. NOW!"

"Fine. But you're ruining a perfectly good squee moment."

"Does it look like I care?" Watanuki and Doomed squared off in the 6th glaring tournament that day. Watanuki's eyes were watering at that last insult, so Doomed was at an advantage, trying to tie the score at 3-3.

A slight sliding noise in the front of the house made Watanuki tich, giving Doomed the perfect oppurtunity to add on her evil super glare of doom, her trademark, to finish him off. "Hah!" she crowed, doing a little victory dance. "Bitch." he said, pretending there wasn't just another power struggle that he lost. They didn't hear another door sliding open, closer now.

"Bring it, pretty boy." Doomed said, putting her fists up. "You're going down!"

"Oh yeah? We'll see who's crying to her fans after this!" He said, matching her position. Neither noticed when the last door slid aside.

"Oi." said Doumeki, coming over."Oi." he repeated, a little flicker of annoyance in his eyes. "Oi!" They looked away from eachother to glare at the intruder. "I only allow one person to bitch off here, and that's the one who feeds me." he glared at Doomed, giving a pointed look at Watanuki. She put her hands up and stormed away. "Fine! But he can PAY someone to write his letter! I quit! And I don't work for BENTO! Jerks!"

Doumeki waited patiently until he heard the door slide shut. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Meh." Watanuki replied. Doumeki wrapped his arms around the shorter boy and brushed his lips, before sinking into a kiss.

_I wonder where she gets her information, _Watanuki thought.

Doomed, Yuuko and Mokona all put down thier bonoculars and sighed a happy sigh. Doomed poured another round of sake.

"Toast! To the International Meddlers!" _and a little bit of LSD. _

Crackers!

Doomed


End file.
